So these motion picture trophies are being handed out on Sunday night (You knw the ones: statue of a little fellow standing on a can of film, as if anybody nowadays knew what that looks like: there’s one upstairs in the collection.) Your Uncle Blogsy is perfectly impartial about this: not only has he again failed to see any of these movies (he hasn’t even heard of seventy percent of them) but none of them are based on his Not-Yet-Ready-for-Pulitzer blogs.
There’s enough drama and comedy involved in the show we run here in the Receiving Room, and perhaps it is time to give out our own awards. Someone gave me a box of stationery, so I have plenty of envelopes to hold the names of the winners of the…I haven’t decided what to call them yet. I think the Newberry wants to reserve Walter L. Newberry’s name for its own Wally Awards, not handing them out for Book Fair Prizes. And somehow the Bookies or the Fairies don’t seem to me to have quite the right ring. Anyway, here we have a Golden Banana Box for….
Best Song and Dance: the one I got from the man who told me he needed all his boxes back, but I could keep the laundry basket
Best Sound Editing: the man who told me, with lowered voice, that his wife didn’t read much of anything but noted she really sings well
Best Visual Effects: the couple who put those vintage science fiction paperbacks on the top of each of their twelve boxes (which were otherwise filled with business textbooks)
Best Director: the father who told his kids, “Just put the books up there, and hurry up if you want to get to the Lego Store before it closes.”
Best Production Design: The lady had what looked like an honest-to-gosh feather boa, and had tastefully light blue stars on each cheekbone–outlined in glitter (she was dropping off books on archaeology and medieval history, by the way. Don’t judge a book by its….)
Best Original Score: the man who picked up a children’s book which now bears a three-figure price and noted “I got this for ten cents at a book sale in 1953.”
Best Documentary: the woman who had volunteers packing up her books to take away, and stopped them after every second book to tell them who had given it to her, where she was when she read it, or why she really hated to give it away (If there had been fewer books, this might have been Best Short Documentary. People who do this kind of thing should provide popcorn.)
Best Actor: The fellow who nodded to me and said, “A lot of good, antiquarian books here” and left before I could find out they were all also moldy
Best Photography: that couple who unloaded fourteen boxes of books—all taped shut—but then insisted I open all the boxes before I took them inside, so they could take a picture of the display for tax purposes (this would have been better as a HOME movie.)
Best Picture: I’m for this oil painting of a little boy looking at a frog in the garden.
Best Writing: I was close enough to see that, you know, when you wrote out the receipt that said “10 bags: about 700 books”
Best Set Design: the lady who set down a box of books, looked over her shoulder, and slid the top book under the next one down. “My son doesn’t know I’m giving you that one.”
Most Animated Short Subject: her son, when he noticed anyway
Best Makeup She gave him the book back and he forgave her.